Trailing Thoughts

As I sit here at the hospital for the final few hours, waiting to be released, my heart is breaking all over again. I will not see my Angel again in this lifetime until we are reunited again when God wants me back. Angel you and I were going to be so close, as you were to many people, though our relationship would have been the closest, like it is between my mother and me. Your father, grandparents, uncles and even great grandparent had so much love for you too. I want to question why – why me, why lose you…if only… but I tried Angel and I have to apologize… I thought I was doing everything right that I could do for you, but it was not enough… in time I will realize it was not my fault, just something that happens, though it sounds like my problem right – they call it an incompetent cervix. I always thought that it was morbid to sit with bodies of our dead, it has always scared me the younger me, but I am happy they left you with me as long as I could have you. I will always wonder what you could have been, how beautiful you would have turned out. I can only imagine because you are so beautiful right now,  you would have had the combination of both of our best features.  

It is strange to sit here and no longer feel you in my stomach… it was suppose to work out that once that happened I would have you in my arms to compensate for that empty feeling. And the sad part is, that I am still grateful for that 15 minutes I had with you… they said you were not a viable baby, but you still were my baby.

I know in heaven everyone is happy to have you, my dad and grandparents, Madhujit’s grandparents and all of our loved ones, but I wish you just had some more time with us, but I am trying not to be selfish and realize that it was not meant to be.

I never liked the name Angel for a child, but now I realize how special a name it is… for when it is your baby there is nothing more spectacular here on earth then a child of your own and it takes a lot to take on a name, but you managed to become everything that an angel could be, so it was so fitting for you.

I continue to cry and miss you Angel and I will for a long time to come and never forget you for all my life, but I wish for all my heart for you to be happy in heaven, waiting for your parents to come to you, though it will take years, we will be together again.

The story of an Angel:

A few days back from visiting Mexico, Jennifer was feeling very ill… they have been trying for a child for a while and so Jennifer was not thinking that she was pregnant, just it was something she had from Mexico. Imagine her happiness when it turned out to be the beginning of Angel.

Madhujit and Jennifer could barely contain their excitement as they shared the happy news with family and friends. The first ultra sound, Angel looked like a little gummy bear. Every day a change, as Angel grew. When Madhujit and Jennifer had the 2^nd ultrasound our little gummy bear changed to our beloved little girl. As she grew, Jennifer started to feel movements that felt like bubbles. Everyone had an input on a name for the baby….

Unfortunately, it was not the will of God for Angel to spend more than a brief time here on Earth. During a car ride to visit some friends in Indiana, Jennifer had a scare and she called her doctor. She was told to go and get it checked out. Madhujit and Jennifer found the closest center and went looking for answers. The news is not good, but Madhujit and Jennifer continued to hope for the best. Due to an unforeseen complication, Jennifer started to have contractions. The wonderful team at the Community North Hospital in Indiana tried to save their little girl, but it was not meant to be. A couple days later, at 21 weeks and 1 day Angel Ghosh was born at 6pm in the evening. The gift of life was only for a short 15 minutes outside of the womb, but she already stole our hearts. She had Madhujit’s nose and Jennifer’s feet, or so it has been said. A little under one pound and 10 and 3/4^th inches long, our child was here. She is so beautiful.

As we adapt to the empty space in our hearts, we know we will survive as a family. We will continue to try for more children, but Angel is our first little girl and is truly an Angel.

Thank you God for your gift, short as we were able to have her.

Blogging is a great way to enjoy the internet ( It is something that Madhujit really enjoys and it is something that is of some interest to me, it takes up too much time for me.) but I do not get the hype of myspace.

For instance, my 15 year old cousin, she is on there representing herself as a 19 year old….why? And some of the comments on her blog ( Yes, this is spying on her, she thinks she is an adult, but she is not…. there have been a few others like this that you hear for here and there….

I do understand it is about personal expression and networking in new ways non-existent even 10 years ago, but there has to be someone looking out for these kids. I know how naive some are to what the world is really like. Letting these minors misinterpret their facts is setting these minors up for problems that did not exist in the teenage world of my years.

Just looking at my cousin’s myspace blog upset me… how can this be allowed??? The language and the references should not be appearing in a 15 year old’s website.

As many know, I am a pharmacy manager and i need to hire a good tech. I hired on less then a month ago and I thought it was working, but then she just quit after 3 and 1/2 weeks – which she just quit … and now with less than a week until the wedding I need to hire a tech and finish wedding planning!

We all have a lot to do, but I am looking forward to a nice party. The invitations did go out and all – there is more on the wedding page of our website… and with a new job it is hectic fitting everything in, but somehow we will manage.

 

I was having a conversation with my mother the other day and we were talking that she wishes she developed better friendships while she was younger – She had her husband, but he died 6 years ago and she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years and she is trying to get herself back together. She told me – Make some friends — you have Madhujit, but a women needs to have some girlfriends. To be honest with you – I have been happy with the few friends that I have – I have always been more of a small group and never really branched out. So now, trying to take my mother’s advice, the question is where do you find these friends…. I am interested in reading – but cannot met regularly, I love to cook, but beyond expensive cooking lessons, what else is there? I also enjoy my dogs – but they walk horrid on a leash…. I will have to start looking in to this….

Priest convicted of slaying nun
An Ohio priest was convicted Thursday of stabbing a Catholic nun to death as she prepared for Easter services 26 years ago, a murder prosecutors say was steeped in religious ritual.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12739830/from/ET/

 

This is on the front page on MSN.COM and for a life-long toledoan I just think to myself – wow what a way for Toledo to make national and most-likely international news. I am too young to remember Fr. Robinson as he was parish of the church that we belong to but my uncle can remember. It is really sad what the Catholic religion has become- there is a distance from the establishment of the church and God I feel. I accept the catholic belief only to a certain extent – and I think the faith needs to change with the times, and not stay in the distant past otherwise more followers will look elsewhere