Trailing Thoughts

It has been 2 years since Angel left us. I am again pregnant, with the help of an IUI, and doctors are closely monitoring my progress. I freak out about any little normal pregnancy cramp and wonder if I am going into preterm labor, and feel strange pains in the pelvic area and wonder if the cerclage is holding. When I lost Angel, I was a little over a month further along than I am at this date.
Life is getting better. I still think of Angel on a daily basis and I am cautiously happy about our new child developing. I have come to terms with many things including the failure of being able to support my child. I am well-educated and appreciate the medical perspective but when it comes to looking at myself, I have blinders on, it will always be in the back of my mind that I failed Angel, when in reality I know nothing I did made the nightmare happen. With no family history or past accidents, predicting cervical insufficiency ( the new term for incompetent cervix) is not common enough for doctors to scare pregnant women.
I am still not able to bury or scatter Angel’s ashes as I cannot let them go. I want her with me always – which without this happening to me, I would find this freaky / morbid…. but every time I think to do something with her ashes I feel as if I am losing her all over again. I am even pushing Madhujit to buy me a fireproof safe so I can safely keep her ashes safe if anything happens.
You never forget the day that you lose your child- whether they spend 15 minutes to years with you.
I am very emotional today and have been for the last couple of weeks, adding the pregnancy hormones I have been hard to live with, and to feel sorry that I did this to the people I love, but it is very hard to control when everything is surging.
At 2 years Angel would have her own personality, with her own likes and dislikes. I miss not knowing what she would be like.
I hope God lets us get to have our new child…. and that Angel will always be their big sister.