Trailing Thoughts

it has been 1 week since I lost my Angel… it feels like a lifetime… I feel so completely numb. My dogs are staring at me and asking themselves why is she crying, but I cannot help it. We had so many dreams and hopes for our Angel and it was never meant to be. I am physically recovering but I have no idea how long it will take for my heart to recover. I carried her for a little over 5 months. I kept headphones over my stomach at night so Angel could associate that with soothing sounds when she was born, but she never got the chance.

Madhujit picked up her remains yesterday from Indiana, they wanted to send her US Postal service but I could not allow my baby to be put in the mail. Everyone has been so nice and understanding but it is really getting through each day trying not to think of anything that will send you into tears, atleast not when others around. For them, it is the awkward feeling of not knowing what to say or do, and for me, normally a very private person, how can I break down infront of others.

I always knew I got the most wonderful guy in the world when I married Madhujit, but he proved himself over and over during this nightmare… trying to make me smile or laugh or just being there for me when I need someone to hold, when I know his heart is breaking too. I could not imagine my life without him, standing by my side.

I will always question why us, we will make wonderful parents, wanting to give 2 special children a home filled with love and opportunities to the best of our abilities. Angel my first born, will never get to know us, but I hope she is aware of the love we have for her. I pray God will gift us with another child as soon as possible for we have so much love to offer- heck, anyone that knows us, knows our dogs are the most spoiled rotten puppies, can you imagine us with our children?

As I sit here at the hospital for the final few hours, waiting to be released, my heart is breaking all over again. I will not see my Angel again in this lifetime until we are reunited again when God wants me back. Angel you and I were going to be so close, as you were to many people, though our relationship would have been the closest, like it is between my mother and me. Your father, grandparents, uncles and even great grandparent had so much love for you too. I want to question why – why me, why lose you…if only… but I tried Angel and I have to apologize… I thought I was doing everything right that I could do for you, but it was not enough… in time I will realize it was not my fault, just something that happens, though it sounds like my problem right – they call it an incompetent cervix. I always thought that it was morbid to sit with bodies of our dead, it has always scared me the younger me, but I am happy they left you with me as long as I could have you. I will always wonder what you could have been, how beautiful you would have turned out. I can only imagine because you are so beautiful right now,  you would have had the combination of both of our best features.  

It is strange to sit here and no longer feel you in my stomach… it was suppose to work out that once that happened I would have you in my arms to compensate for that empty feeling. And the sad part is, that I am still grateful for that 15 minutes I had with you… they said you were not a viable baby, but you still were my baby.

I know in heaven everyone is happy to have you, my dad and grandparents, Madhujit’s grandparents and all of our loved ones, but I wish you just had some more time with us, but I am trying not to be selfish and realize that it was not meant to be.

I never liked the name Angel for a child, but now I realize how special a name it is… for when it is your baby there is nothing more spectacular here on earth then a child of your own and it takes a lot to take on a name, but you managed to become everything that an angel could be, so it was so fitting for you.

I continue to cry and miss you Angel and I will for a long time to come and never forget you for all my life, but I wish for all my heart for you to be happy in heaven, waiting for your parents to come to you, though it will take years, we will be together again.

The story of an Angel:

A few days back from visiting Mexico, Jennifer was feeling very ill… they have been trying for a child for a while and so Jennifer was not thinking that she was pregnant, just it was something she had from Mexico. Imagine her happiness when it turned out to be the beginning of Angel.

Madhujit and Jennifer could barely contain their excitement as they shared the happy news with family and friends. The first ultra sound, Angel looked like a little gummy bear. Every day a change, as Angel grew. When Madhujit and Jennifer had the 2^nd ultrasound our little gummy bear changed to our beloved little girl. As she grew, Jennifer started to feel movements that felt like bubbles. Everyone had an input on a name for the baby….

Unfortunately, it was not the will of God for Angel to spend more than a brief time here on Earth. During a car ride to visit some friends in Indiana, Jennifer had a scare and she called her doctor. She was told to go and get it checked out. Madhujit and Jennifer found the closest center and went looking for answers. The news is not good, but Madhujit and Jennifer continued to hope for the best. Due to an unforeseen complication, Jennifer started to have contractions. The wonderful team at the Community North Hospital in Indiana tried to save their little girl, but it was not meant to be. A couple days later, at 21 weeks and 1 day Angel Ghosh was born at 6pm in the evening. The gift of life was only for a short 15 minutes outside of the womb, but she already stole our hearts. She had Madhujit’s nose and Jennifer’s feet, or so it has been said. A little under one pound and 10 and 3/4^th inches long, our child was here. She is so beautiful.

As we adapt to the empty space in our hearts, we know we will survive as a family. We will continue to try for more children, but Angel is our first little girl and is truly an Angel.

Thank you God for your gift, short as we were able to have her.