Trailing Thoughts

I am the proud mother of a little boy who is about 6 and 1/2 months old and he is a joy to Madhujit’s and my life. Everything I do is for him. It is amazing how something so small and needy can make your day worth it with just 1 little smile. I might be a biased mother, but he is the most beautiful child.
He was born in February on the biggest snow storm of 2010, 2 days before his due date and changed our life for the better. ( I am so happy that he was a full term baby, it was hell getting to this point, but I did it. It took weekly progesterone shots, a cerclage, and lots of worries, but he is worth everything I went through)
His first month, his cries reminded me of a scene in Jurassic park, the baby dinosaur cries, short and squeaky… month 1 all he wanted to do is sleep and eat. He loved his swing that Uncle Justin gave him and would love to be held in his fathers arms. Month 2 came and Madhujit’s parents met him and fell in love with him. He loves spending time with his Buma-busia and DziaDzia and they dote on him. He would love to hold anyone’s finger. He loves looking at the fish tank that we have. It calms him to hold him where he can watch them move about. Month 3 came around. He developed better head control and loved traveling in the car. I would over-pronounce ” I love you” and he would giggle and smile. He also started to try make a wet sound, imitating my lip rumble. He loves the TV and computer. He will watch them with rapt attention. He loves to kick at things and has a lot better control of his legs then his arms. Month 4 came, and I went back to work. It was very hard leaving my little one, but I was ok with it because Mukul and Sibani are with him. He continued to grow and make noise and pull luckey and daisy’s hair. He also started grunting at Luckey and Daisy trying to get them to come to him. When he eats from me, he plays with my clothing and the days that he is very hungry he gulps with little noises that almost sound like “Mmmmm”. He loves his bath time. Buma-busia gives him a massage everyday and then he gets a bath. He kicks at his duck and loves to splash water at everything. Month 5 came and we gave him his first bite of solid food ( rice cereal) at Justin’s house. After that, we slowly introduced more and more solid food, oat cereal, green beans, sweet potatoes, carrots, mango, papaya, pear… He is able to sit by himself with out support and he likes to make noise blowing air out of his mouth ( put-put-put). He absolutely loves his jumper. He will jump and giggle for hours if we let him. We have the fisher price precious planet jumperoo, and it is the best thing that I bought him. Month 6 came and he is rapidly developing. He loves to stand and it at the point where he can stand holding on to something. The crawling has not started yet, but he pushes himself backwards when we give him tummy time. He is almost to the point where he can bring up his body onto his knees. I said momma the first time on August 6th, although he is not discriminate on who he calls momma. He is very squirmy, never wanting to sit still, but always trying to reach for things and still continues to grunt and kick his legs to get his point that he wants something across. He goes outside daily with his DziaDzia and watches the birds and looks at Mukul’s flowers and garden. He loves rolling the ball back and forth. He can roll around better to each side and can flip on his stomach at times and prefers to sleep on his stomach ( we try putting him on his back first, but he ends up on his stomach) We are still working on the transition of moving him from cradle to crib, and it is difficult. I do not want to do the cry it out method, but he has us wrapped around his fingers, and knows when he cries, we come running and will smile at us, but Madhujit is getting frustrated that he will not sleep in his crib and keeps telling me it is time to do it his way . We tried to give him beef the in the beginning of the 6th month, but he hated it, and today we are going to try chicken….
I have so much documented in pictures, but I wanted to document so of his achievements with words.
Life with baby might be driven with sleep deprived nights and other hardships, but there is nothing more special then giving your child a hug at the end of the day and see him smile.
I will tell him about Angel and always miss her, my first child, but life goes on, and I want to do everything I can for my child here with me now and soon hopefully we can start the adoption process and introduce Lucien to his future sister….

It has been 2 years since Angel left us. I am again pregnant, with the help of an IUI, and doctors are closely monitoring my progress. I freak out about any little normal pregnancy cramp and wonder if I am going into preterm labor, and feel strange pains in the pelvic area and wonder if the cerclage is holding. When I lost Angel, I was a little over a month further along than I am at this date.
Life is getting better. I still think of Angel on a daily basis and I am cautiously happy about our new child developing. I have come to terms with many things including the failure of being able to support my child. I am well-educated and appreciate the medical perspective but when it comes to looking at myself, I have blinders on, it will always be in the back of my mind that I failed Angel, when in reality I know nothing I did made the nightmare happen. With no family history or past accidents, predicting cervical insufficiency ( the new term for incompetent cervix) is not common enough for doctors to scare pregnant women.
I am still not able to bury or scatter Angel’s ashes as I cannot let them go. I want her with me always – which without this happening to me, I would find this freaky / morbid…. but every time I think to do something with her ashes I feel as if I am losing her all over again. I am even pushing Madhujit to buy me a fireproof safe so I can safely keep her ashes safe if anything happens.
You never forget the day that you lose your child- whether they spend 15 minutes to years with you.
I am very emotional today and have been for the last couple of weeks, adding the pregnancy hormones I have been hard to live with, and to feel sorry that I did this to the people I love, but it is very hard to control when everything is surging.
At 2 years Angel would have her own personality, with her own likes and dislikes. I miss not knowing what she would be like.
I hope God lets us get to have our new child…. and that Angel will always be their big sister.

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Angel. I have been trying for a year to become “normal” again. For the most part I have succeeded in this, but still not 1 day has gone by in which I have not thought of Angel and missed her. Madhujit has been the best husband supporting me in those occasions when I feel completely lost. We have been trying to become pregnant again for 9 months and still nothing. My dreams of adopting from india have been dashed – did you know that the indian government does not care if you want children if you are not 30 yet? They do not take in account that are younger people looking to start a family and want to offer the best they can to a child. I do not want to wait 2 more years and then another 2 years for the whole process to be completed and if I do end up pregnant that I would have to stop the process and wait to start up again a year after birth.
I still recall Angel’s face perfectly and look for that beautiful face on any child I see and do not find it.
My job makes it very hard at times to deal with this, as a pharmacist, I see as many as 20 pregnant woman or little babies daily. It is also very hard to come to terms with these negative feelings towards others, as in why are they good enough to be blessed and I am not.
As many who have experienced similar tragic events in their lives, I have become obsessed with becoming pregnant. I have been checking saliva, temperatures, charting and using the clear blue monitor since the beginning of this endeavor and read anything I can get my hands on. I have decided to attempt clomid this month, so wish us luck and I am hopeful but not so much because it hurts each month to know that I failed to become pregnant. Really I do not care if the child is my own or not, I just want to share the experiences of loving and nurturing a child to their fullest potential with Madhujit by my side.
In truth pregnancy scares me so much. What if I am someone that will always fail at carrying a child to full term? If I try treatments to help me get pregnant can I stay pregnant since we already know I am defective and my cervix cannot hold the weight of a growing pregnancy… and so many other fears that I do not even want to put them to thought.
Life is still moving though, and each day I try to find joy and wish and hope for God’s blessing of a child.
But Dad, if you can hear me up there, take care of my little girl

It has been 1 month since I lost my little girl, and I still cry every day. I have had a variety of thoughts and what ifs go through my head. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason, but I still question why. Madhujit and I want children and I think that we are going to make wonderful parents, and we are going to try again but life is unfair. I only got to hold my little girl for a few moments to last a whole life time. Who was she, a product of Madhujit and I, but already with an unique personality. Depending on the music I held over my stomach, she would move around more to certain songs. Life does continue and we are doing day- to- day activities, but it is always there. I want to remember her, look at her picture, because it gives me the opportunity to remember the love I felt for her, but it also brings back the despair of losing her.
I miss you Angel

it has been 1 week since I lost my Angel… it feels like a lifetime… I feel so completely numb. My dogs are staring at me and asking themselves why is she crying, but I cannot help it. We had so many dreams and hopes for our Angel and it was never meant to be. I am physically recovering but I have no idea how long it will take for my heart to recover. I carried her for a little over 5 months. I kept headphones over my stomach at night so Angel could associate that with soothing sounds when she was born, but she never got the chance.

Madhujit picked up her remains yesterday from Indiana, they wanted to send her US Postal service but I could not allow my baby to be put in the mail. Everyone has been so nice and understanding but it is really getting through each day trying not to think of anything that will send you into tears, atleast not when others around. For them, it is the awkward feeling of not knowing what to say or do, and for me, normally a very private person, how can I break down infront of others.

I always knew I got the most wonderful guy in the world when I married Madhujit, but he proved himself over and over during this nightmare… trying to make me smile or laugh or just being there for me when I need someone to hold, when I know his heart is breaking too. I could not imagine my life without him, standing by my side.

I will always question why us, we will make wonderful parents, wanting to give 2 special children a home filled with love and opportunities to the best of our abilities. Angel my first born, will never get to know us, but I hope she is aware of the love we have for her. I pray God will gift us with another child as soon as possible for we have so much love to offer- heck, anyone that knows us, knows our dogs are the most spoiled rotten puppies, can you imagine us with our children?

As I sit here at the hospital for the final few hours, waiting to be released, my heart is breaking all over again. I will not see my Angel again in this lifetime until we are reunited again when God wants me back. Angel you and I were going to be so close, as you were to many people, though our relationship would have been the closest, like it is between my mother and me. Your father, grandparents, uncles and even great grandparent had so much love for you too. I want to question why – why me, why lose you…if only… but I tried Angel and I have to apologize… I thought I was doing everything right that I could do for you, but it was not enough… in time I will realize it was not my fault, just something that happens, though it sounds like my problem right – they call it an incompetent cervix. I always thought that it was morbid to sit with bodies of our dead, it has always scared me the younger me, but I am happy they left you with me as long as I could have you. I will always wonder what you could have been, how beautiful you would have turned out. I can only imagine because you are so beautiful right now,  you would have had the combination of both of our best features.  

It is strange to sit here and no longer feel you in my stomach… it was suppose to work out that once that happened I would have you in my arms to compensate for that empty feeling. And the sad part is, that I am still grateful for that 15 minutes I had with you… they said you were not a viable baby, but you still were my baby.

I know in heaven everyone is happy to have you, my dad and grandparents, Madhujit’s grandparents and all of our loved ones, but I wish you just had some more time with us, but I am trying not to be selfish and realize that it was not meant to be.

I never liked the name Angel for a child, but now I realize how special a name it is… for when it is your baby there is nothing more spectacular here on earth then a child of your own and it takes a lot to take on a name, but you managed to become everything that an angel could be, so it was so fitting for you.

I continue to cry and miss you Angel and I will for a long time to come and never forget you for all my life, but I wish for all my heart for you to be happy in heaven, waiting for your parents to come to you, though it will take years, we will be together again.

The story of an Angel:

A few days back from visiting Mexico, Jennifer was feeling very ill… they have been trying for a child for a while and so Jennifer was not thinking that she was pregnant, just it was something she had from Mexico. Imagine her happiness when it turned out to be the beginning of Angel.

Madhujit and Jennifer could barely contain their excitement as they shared the happy news with family and friends. The first ultra sound, Angel looked like a little gummy bear. Every day a change, as Angel grew. When Madhujit and Jennifer had the 2^nd ultrasound our little gummy bear changed to our beloved little girl. As she grew, Jennifer started to feel movements that felt like bubbles. Everyone had an input on a name for the baby….

Unfortunately, it was not the will of God for Angel to spend more than a brief time here on Earth. During a car ride to visit some friends in Indiana, Jennifer had a scare and she called her doctor. She was told to go and get it checked out. Madhujit and Jennifer found the closest center and went looking for answers. The news is not good, but Madhujit and Jennifer continued to hope for the best. Due to an unforeseen complication, Jennifer started to have contractions. The wonderful team at the Community North Hospital in Indiana tried to save their little girl, but it was not meant to be. A couple days later, at 21 weeks and 1 day Angel Ghosh was born at 6pm in the evening. The gift of life was only for a short 15 minutes outside of the womb, but she already stole our hearts. She had Madhujit’s nose and Jennifer’s feet, or so it has been said. A little under one pound and 10 and 3/4^th inches long, our child was here. She is so beautiful.

As we adapt to the empty space in our hearts, we know we will survive as a family. We will continue to try for more children, but Angel is our first little girl and is truly an Angel.

Thank you God for your gift, short as we were able to have her.